UAC

Anonymous

I am a senior at BYU this 2003-2004 school year. The first semester back at BYU from my mission was an interesting one, yet full of self-learning for me. I don't know why or exactly how, but that semester I developed/discovered a generalized anxiety disorder. This affected my life in so many ways. For about four months, I couldn't understand what was happening to my mind, body, or ME!! I found myself in the deepest, darkest place I had ever been in my life. I would cry over the smallest disturbances in my schedule, any sad news, and at times for no reason at all. I seemed to lose motivation do accomplish any schoolwork, exercise, or sleep. I just existed. While in Wal-Mart one day, I found myself on the floor experiencing my first panic attack. My test scores for that semester and those following spiraled down to an all time low, and my overall grades suffered. I could not believe what was happening...THIS WAS NOT ME! I had no idea what was going on with me. Yet, I was confident it would pass. Instead of going with the flow, I fought it. I found myself in a state of denial that I could possibly need medication and professional help to get me through this new stage/phase in my life.

I quickly realized that my independent self-tactics were not giving me the cure-it-all results I had thought they would; so I sought out a new route. I first scheduled an appointment at the Health Center with a wonderful, talented doctor, whom I consider an angel in disguise. I then talked with the Accessibility Center and began counseling at the Career and Counseling Center.

Counseling for me was a difficult task at first. I found it almost violating to open myself up in the manner I have come to feel so much gratitude towards. The entire process of counseling, meeting with a doctor, and keeping myself up with school was difficult but expanding. I do not think that I would be at the stage I am in life without the tools offered. My perspective of the disorder I now live with has changed drastically. I no longer think it an enemy to be destroyed. Rather, I see it as yet another aspect of life to from which to learn (and what better way to learn about something than to experience it)!

There are still daily aspects of my 'new-self’ that I deal with daily and which require conscious effort to handle, but I now know that life is livable! And I don't want to miss out on anymore than I have to!

"Hit me hard, and I will bounce back. Kick me hard, and I will turn back. Put me on the floor and I will stand back. Put me in the grave and I will rise back. But dare you dream that I will never fight back." Copyright © 2003 Sandip Dutta

Stephanie Salas

In November 2001, I was involved in a car accident that changed my life. The fall semester of my sophomore year was about to end. My sister, her roommate, and I were driving to Portland Oregon for my roommates wedding. The trip there was fine; we had so much fun together. While we were on our way home to Provo, a snow storm came up in Ogden. My sister’s roommate was driving, and because she is from Alaska, we all feltsafe with her driving in the heavy snow.

I was the one in charge of keeping her awake, since I am so talkative, and my sister was sleeping in the back seat. We saw many accidents along the road due to the snow. Suddenly, our car slid into a semi-truck.

I don’t exactly remember the moment of impact, but our car ended up underneath the truck. They had to take off the doors to get us out. I was the one with the most injuries- eight broken bones and numerous internal injuries. I was in a coma for three and a half weeks, and hospitalized for four or five months more. Out of the eight bones, I had broken my jaw and right leg. I had to relearn how to walk and talk, which was hard since I enjoy doing both things so much. I attended physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. The doctors told me that I had many broken bones, but there was no problem with me going back to school. I had to take time to heal, but because I am an international student, I had to keep studying or go back to my country. I studied as a part time student, and then went back to Connecticut to recover with my parents.

I am now back at BYU. I study three times harder than I used to. I learned responsibility the hard way. I found so many people along the way that were so willing to help. I appreciate even the smallest favors. People have no idea how much it really means for me, even a simple smile just brightens my day.

I learned that we should all try to help others because we never know when it is going to be our turn to be in need of help. Don’t give up on anyone! And most important- BE PERSISTENT! Never give up. After the storm, the rainbow comes. Have faith in the Lord that he will provide the way.

Amanda Stahl

My name is Amanda Stahl. I am from Riverton, Wyoming. I am studying at BYU to be a history teacher. On September 2, 2003, I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. After surgery to remove all of the cancer that they could I started chemotherapy. While attending school has been somewhat of a challenge I also have had great professors that do not mind when I miss class due to being ill because of chemotherapy. One thing that has helped me overcome this challenge is that I know that the lord is looking out for me. There have been many times during this illness that I have needed help and help both physically and emotionally and help came. While some may look at this illness as a "bad" thing, I have seen how it has also blessed my life and others lives. Because of my illness my family has been able to share the gospel with many, many people that they know. Another blessing is that I am more thankful for the things I can do. I am also thankful for every day that I have been given to live.

Spiritual

Resilience is to make a Heaven out of Hell

An outcome of adversity can be an overflowing of anger, bitterness, vengeance, and hatred; or, it can be empowering, humbling, and provide opportunities for growth in diverse aspects of life. Adversity can be a vehicle, or a journey, for construction or destruction in a person’s psychological, emotional, and spiritual life, depending on one’s reaction and attitude. Some of the risk factors of life traumas are psychiatric disorders or psychological impairment, vulnerability to social and interpersonal struggles, a pessimistic outlook of life, posttraumatic stress disorder, aggression, and anxious depression (Tiet et al., 1998, Carbonell et al., 1998, Connor et al., 2003, Barbarian et al., 2001). Adversity can also be a tool to acquire attributes such as compassion, patience, longsuffering, endurance, and understanding. Moreover, knowledge and wisdom come by making a heaven out of hellish experiences, or in other words becoming resilient. Berk defines resilience as “mastery of cognitive and social skills that enable the child to withstand and even overcome adversity” (2001).
When going through traumatic life experiences, if he is wise, he will carefully collect all the sourness of life’s experiences and turn it into sweet. By turning sourness into sweetness, he can collect all quality attributes, skills, talents and knowledge from those bitter tasting past experiences, which allow him to empower those who are around him as he teaches people through example and by words to overcome the difficultly of life. He can be a light and strength for his future children, grandchildren, and surroundings. Examples of adversity that people encounter are: physical abuse, learning disabilities, serious illness, racism, chronic poverty, surrounding environment violence, car accidents, divorce, natural disasters, and living with parents with severe mental illness (Kragh and Huber, 2002; Carbonell et. al, 1998; Oscar et. al, 2000; Masten and Coatsworth, 1998; Tiet et. al, 1998). I encountered war during my early childhood and some physical and verbal abuse from family members while I was being raised. Researchers have many suggestions of how to go about being resilient towards life’s adversity, and I will add on to that with my first hand experiences.
The first way for a person to be resilient is to come from a high functional family background (healthy parent-children relationship in communicating and expressing) and to learn from the parents how to cope with stress. Children who come from this type of background will have fewer symptoms of social, emotional, spiritual, and mental abnormalities. Masten and Coatsworth mention that when a child has a quality relationship with parents or surrounding competent adults, normality in brain development takes place (1998). Researchers Tiet et al. and Barbarin et al. also strongly mention that a child in a functional background is more likely to overcome depression during teenage years because the child learns to cope through positive interaction with parents or adults in the home and has a healthy parent-child relationship (1998, 2000). Scoresby states, “children develop and flourish when they are in the protective shadow, or shade, of a parent or caretaker who loves and watches them and is close enough to be aware of what is going on in their lives” (1998). Masten feels that parents or caregivers can provide children with “motivation for learning and engaging in the environment” (2001). Researchers claim that children from a functional family background learn to be independent and are more likely to be productive. As competent parents keep their eyes on their children, they can provide them with necessary moral support and counsel while in a field of confusion in making wise, healthy choices.
Nevertheless, there is “hope” and “the sun is still shining and smiling upon life,” even though people have gone through life adversities and “still” did not come from or have a functional family background. I lost a dad at age one and a mom at age three during a war in Cambodia. While in the war, during infancy to eight years of age, my older brother and sisters often left me home alone while they went to find food; thus, I did not have a consistent adult figure in my life. During those years I did not have much social interaction because my older brother and sisters were still young themselves; therefore, they were not aware that social interaction could provide rich contribution to my growth in cognition, self-esteem, articulation, and competency social interaction. At ten years of age, I lived with my second mom, Marian, for two years. From my mom Marian, I learned to understand what it was like to feel love and security when she lovingly hugged me. While growing up, I felt like a lost sheep crying to receive comfort and love from his mother; fortunately, during my staying with my second mom, her motherly love was like a warm blanket which brought warmth and calmness to my young life. Mom taught me how to express myself when she asked me how I felt about my day after school or what do you want to eat; during the experience I had with her when I was in her car or when she drove the city bus. Unlike my older brother and sisters, mom hardly ever demeaned or hit me physically when I did something wrong. She explained to me that I should not do the things that I did. From mom, I learned there are alternative ways besides degrading or getting physical. Besides my mom, one of the powerful, influential stars that lights my life is the Book of Mormon.
The Book of Mormon is a phenomenal device. I started to study the Book of Mormon when I was about ten years old. I was in an LDS church one Sunday when a speaker mentioned that “no one can make you go to heaven but you.” This saying bothered me because I was used to my older brother and sisters making me do things. I wanted someone to make me go to heaven. The saying bothered me enough that I disciplined myself to study the Book of Mormon daily. Although my English was weak and I had no foundation in my own native language—reading one verse took me five minutes—I was determined to narrow my mind into studying it. I did not articulate clearly because I did not have parents or adults to spend time to interact with me in order to develop language and interaction skills. However, my language developed tremendously because I was persistent in studying the Book of Mormon, even though I did not understand most of the reading. The curtain of my ignorant mind became thinner and thinner. Two years later, I had read the Book of Mormon nearly three times. At this point, my English had improved tremendously. I “loved” reading the Book of Mormon instead of other books because during my study, a feeling of peace came to my heart and mind. This pure and cleansing feeling of peace gave me “hope” to carry on in life which gradually blossom in helping me to coped the emotional and psychological pain and wound from the monstrous war. I needed this feeling; I did not care to live many times because I pined to have my mom and dad to be alive to give me love and physical affection like other kids at school or at church. I wept many times in my room wondering what it would be like to be loved by my parents. At these moments, I learned to converse with Father in Heaven like a child who is conversing with his dad face to face. Father has helped me to cope with stress by feeling and having the impression of His Spirit, which is the Holy Ghost. Coping from my hellish childhood brought tremendous healing and joy. The Spirit cleansed and purified my moments of stress like scum scrubbing formula cleaning off dirty build up scum off a shower wall and tub. I did not learn to be independent from my parents or any adults, but Father taught me to be independent through the prompting of His Spirit by helping me being responsible for cooking, cleaning my room, and doing chores that my older siblings asked me to do. My ability to express myself and overcome my shyness and lack of confidence uncovered and blossomed like a beautiful red rose in a spring. The Book of Mormon brought me closer to Father as I deliciously perused it and applied the gospel principles in my life. Despite the fact that I did not have parents to teach me and not had a high functional family background, Father taught me self discipline which later leads to self regulation; thus, my self-esteem and confidence gradually burgeoned from a seed into a tall oak tree.
Another way of overcoming the hardships of life is by looking at education as a sense of direction and hope (Tiet et al., 1998). Moreover, a good educational institution can “reduce violence using programs that attempt to promote school environments in which children can feel safe, [and] prosocial methods are used for resolving conflict,” can help a child, (Barbarin et al., 2000). Guidance from staff in the school can help children to feel safe and receive direction if necessary. Children can release stress as they have trusted teachers to talk about their trauma. Hemenover said, “trauma disclosure not only reduces distress but also enhances positive self-perceptions” (2003). Some of the guidance can help a child to think of alternative ways. This will provide children with ideas and strength in order to regulate their behaviors. Masten and Coatsworth feel that at school children can acquire interpersonal skills of how to go about solving conflicts which can reduce future disorder such as aggression or yelling at peers (1998, 2001). For example, some may have disorder in social competence with peers or coworkers. Interpersonal skills can teach children to express their feelings instead of reacting with physical violence.
While attending elementary, junior high, and high school in America, I did not have comfortable education experiences like typical native people. During those years there were feelings of prejudice from some teachers and peers due to my skin color; therefore, I did not have teachers to talk to—to heal my wound from my war experiences. Also, my hearing loss caused speech impairment, thus, leading to moderate teasing. Many kids wanted to fight me in junior high school because I did not yield or give in to their bullying. Thus, what the researchers have said did not help people like me. I stayed and wanted to succeed in school because I wanted to please my deceased my mom and dad. During my teens, I wanted my parents to feel that I was a good boy—a good son who wanted to make the best out of his life. I carried on with my education and am about to graduate from Brigham Young University. During my freshman year at BYU to the present, I look at education as an instrument to empower me intellectually through broader perceptions in diverse fields of education, skills, and talents. Through education I have acquired confidence, peace of mind, hope, and security. With all these priceless qualities that I have obtained, I know I can use them as a device to help those who are in need of my service to ease their burdens, especially those who went through similar experiences that I had but do not yet know how to manage the risk factors. Focusing on education as a vehicle that provides me the privilege of serving other people in the future has helped me to forget the ugly, monstrous past of war. This kind of focusing is a way of training my mind over matter.
Besides my dreams that help me to self regulate, Heavenly Father has taught me how to solve conflicts with peers besides getting physical which helped me to learn interpersonal skills. Father taught me to not get physical in any argument through the prompting of the Holy Ghost, as he used my past experiences from the war to reason with me. I was “bitter, vengeful, and heatedly angry” at age eight because many precious people died in my family. I had all these tasteless feelings because another person or people killed my family members; however, I learned that I should not hurt the other person that I have conflict with because their family may be bitter, vengeful, and angry like I once was. This reasoning was enormously hard because even though logically I understood and did not want to get physical, my natural reaction—due to my upbringing environmental influence (past habits)—encouraged me swiftly that I should get physical. While in this process of internal quarrel, my brain muscles were in turmoil—my shoulder and upper neck muscles tensed—feelings of stress uninvitedly overpowered me from shoulder to head. With power from heaven to provide strength beyond my raw abilities, gradually I was able to blossom in self regulation. Although a person has a cut on his arm and the cut flesh is pounding with enormous pain, he continues on walking narrowly to finish his destiny.
The last way researchers mention that some people cope with trauma is through religiosity influence because it teaches people to forgive (Connor, Davidson, and Lee, 2003). In contrast, Kragh and Huber encourage people to see professionals for assistance (2002). Some religions give people ideas for alternative ways of how to handle scars and wounds from traumas as they learn to forget the past by forgiving. Anger can lead to stress and stress makes a person’s health more vulnerable to sickness, ulcers, and cancers. While professionals help people find strategies or teach techniques to overcome or regulate personal impairment, what about those who never heard of such ideas or cannot afford professionals help to cope stress? I never heard of professionals that may help a person cope with stress until I came to BYU for further education. My ability, capability, and knowledge of how to withstand scars and wounds from life trauma are from The Father of us all, God, the Father of heaven.
I am surprised that the researchers have very little to say about forgiving and do not go more in depth about the benefits of religiosity. When people forgive, they learn to release all the bags of bitterness from the past; thus, leading to peace of mind. Instead of accelerating in life with happiness and a smile, the bags of bitterness and anger of the past are invisible, toxic emotions that slow a person down; thus, enormous anger and stress can give people ulcers or multiple internal deteriorations. Therefore, forgiveness is an invisible, tangible medicine which helps a wounded bitter person to heal internally—emotionally, psychologically, and consciously where no medicines or herbs can heal or reach to.
In addition to what I mentioned earlier, the phenomenal multiplicity of devices that I used to overcome past traumas are daily prayer, obedience to the gospel principles, and relying on God, the Eternal Father to help through the impression of the Holy Ghost upon my spirit. These devices had and continue to have a more “powerful influence” on my mind, motives, and actions than my over ten years of formal education or any other person in my life.
Prayer was my other sources of hope and strength in my early adolescent years because I was home alone most of the times; therefore, I had learn to converse with Father in Heaven as if He was my “Dad” who was next to me. Prayer was like a spiritual medicine to my young wounded (anger, vengeance, hatred, and bitterness) soul from the war because of the sweet feelings of peace. At those moments, I stereotyped against Vietnamese people because they along with the Khmer Rouge killed my family and people. However, at junior high school, I was fortunately awakened by an impression from the Holy Ghost that reasoned with me that not all Vietnamese people were evil. I had been interacting with my Vietnamese friends and playing marbles with them for quite sometime when this impression came. The power of prayer had the capacity to transform me to a soft hearted person who is gradually blossoming in patience, understanding, compassion, and tolerance. Prayer had enriched my Parent-child relationship with Heavenly Father. During my loneliness and frustrated moments, I called Him “Father,” or for more sacred and intensely personal things, I called Him “Daddy or Dad.” During the call, I could feel feelings of pure peace rushing from my head to my chest. Those feelings were Father’s way of saying, “Yes, son.” Through numerous experiences of feeling His Spirit, I have learned to distinctively identify His Presence (voice), just like an infant can discriminate his mother’s voice from strangers. Those feelings of pure peace had the capacity to cure my young troubled mind and soul like a hot pad on sore muscles. Prayer is a sacred privilege of bonding and enriching the Parent-child relationship between a Father in Heaven and His earthly child. The capacity of prayer is beyond cell phone or roaming limitations.
Obedience was my other source of flavorful ingredient of how to go about changing my bitter and tasteless past of experiencing childhood war. Obedience to God’s commandments was like a blue print to His earthly children of how to go about preparing to transform themselves to become heavenly children; in other words, they learn to think and act like a god. Obedience taught my young, intense, vengeful, and bitter mind to love my enemies and to pray for those who used or persecuted me. I learned to hold myself back when people hurt me verbally, even when I knew I can take most of them down in less then 30 seconds. Obedience taught me self regulation and to look for other alternatives such as talking things out to solve conflict besides being physical—obedience was a constant guide for me. The commandments of God were my structure of life—a flash light in the dark mist of life. Through my experiences, I have gained tremendous self-esteem, confidence, and self-discipline which lead to self regulation. I feel I have a hold of my life because I am firm. I am not like a feather which is being toss to and fro by the wishes of the wind (peer pressure or philosophy of worldly people).
Last of all, the “ultimate” influence in my life was Heavenly Father. He gave me much affection and love that I needed while growing up through the impressions of the Holy Ghost. Without Father, I would probably be fulfilling what many researchers claim that those who go through war or have any similar traumas would have: psychological and emotional disorder, post traumatic stress, nightmares, and anxiety disorders. Nevertheless, miraculously I was able to persistently and slowly peel off the duct tape (psychological, emotional, post traumatic, nightmare, and anxiety disorder), and function well in the world. Indeed, what Father said in the scripture is true “all things are possible unto me.” Methods from researchers are like a meal of macaroni and cheese which fill a person’s tummy, yet that person did not have balanced meal because he lacks vegetables and meat to have a wholesome meal that enriches his body. On the other hand, relying on a Father of human beings is like eating chicken noodle soup because it has meat, vegetable, spices, and noodles; therefore, he has a rich balanced meal. With a balanced meal he is healthier. When a person relies on Father in Heaven’s help, he will be healed in every whit; even emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually—where no modern discovery or medicine of science can heal.
Embracing resilience can be much easier when relying on a Heavenly Being for help; thus, that person can make a heaven out of hell. Being resilient is like climbing a mountain as your body is cold, fingers are cracking, muscles are so tired they shake, lips sorely bleeding, while your dry tongue searches for a drop of water or moisture, all the while unfaintingly not giving up—as the person gets to the top mountain, he learns the extra strength was from his loving Heavenly Father.

Personal

Self-Government or Self-Deterioration

On countless occasions I have found myself having to make choices. “Should I follow the crowd or should I follow my instincts that the church helps me develop?” Many times in my very early teens, I wanted to be cool and fit in with the absorbing crowd; thus, I would have to do the things that my peers would do. In middle school, to be considered tough and look cool, I would have needed to use profanity like some of my friends or peers. I would have needed to act like a tough bully if anyone stared at me too long by giving them the eye. In high school, to be considered a stud and gain people’s attention, I would have needed to smoke cigarettes, sleep with girls, and be obnoxious in class. On the other hand, when I first joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of eleven, I was taught not to lie or cheat, but to do good to others and follow the example of Jesus Christ. At those moments of decision, I could either have chosen the church’s standards and not be “cool,” or I could have chosen my peers’ ways which were “cool.” At moments, in the dark cloud of confusion among the multitude of manipulating, enticing spirits, I could either have isolated myself by exercising the LDS church’s standards of self-government which leads to self-esteem, character, maturity, decorum, and self-discipline, or I could have followed the crowd to confusion and deterioration of self-esteem, self-value, and self-discipline.
Later, in another area, on Waverleigh Ave., at the age of 10, another group of friends wanted to steal some money from a washer and a dryer in the basement of an apartment. One evening they planned out how to obtain the money. “Hey, Map, are you going with us, or not? You better not tell anyone or we’ll….” “No, I have stuff to do.” In a way, I wanted to join them, but the feelings that were in my heart seemed to agitate my mind and body with guilt. This unclean conscience was almost as if I was hurting a loved one and had brought them to tears. This feeling helped me to remember and to reflect on a lesson during class at church, when my teacher taught, “Thou shalt not steal.” Stealing is contrary to God’s commandment and will drive the Spirit away.
At the age of 15, in Portland, the largest city in Oregon, there was an elementary school where a lot of my Asian friends gathered to play basketball. Some of them smoked cigarettes and had cans of beer in their hands. One shouted out, “Hey, Phal, want some cigarettes?” “No,” I replied. “Man, you are not much of a man,” he sneered. “You are not old enough, hah?” “I do not like cigarettes,” I shouted back. I could then feel or sense a thought, perhaps a voice telling me that, “Maybe one cigarette is not that bad. Don’t you want be cool like your friends?” From LDS standards, I had learned that smoking and drinking is bad for the body and that it can drive the Holy Ghost away. At those moments, because I loved having the Spirit, I strove to overcome peer pressure and not intake any harmful substances and to shun the consistent, enticing adversaries.
Yet again, I had a similar experience at Universal Technical Institutes of Phoenix, Arizona, at the age of 17. I was surrounded by high school graduate guys who were away from home for the first time. Thus, they were rich with freedom, which leads many to do foolish things. During class break while sitting outside smoking cigarettes, many of them talked about how much fun they had the night before at a strip bar. Their speech and their description of the girls were so filthy that it caused me to walk away swiftly and it burned my ears. One time when I was alone with a classmate, he stated, “Oh man, this strip bar was so awesome.” As he was about describe one girl and her actions, I swiftly told him that I did not want hear it, while at the same time I made an annoying noise to interrupt. “Man, what is the matter with you?” he said. At these moments, I was extremely lonely. I wanted to hang out with my peers, but I did not want to lose the Spirit because of their negative influences. I needed a friend to talk to, but their immoral jokes and conduct and smoking seemed to cause my spirit to sicken, and also drove the Spirit away. Many times, when walking from class for a break, I would walk the opposite direction from my peers to a parking lot with silent tears rolling down from my eyes. I was extremely lonely and wanted a friend, but I could not be with just any friend. At times, my mind recalled my Sunday school teacher from church proclaiming, “You are who you hang around with.” Although I was desperate for that kind of socialization with peers which is like psychological affection, I was determined to isolate myself from such a foul and filthy environment. I was determined to live the church standards, which later became part of my attitude, mind, and me as a whole.
Now, reflecting back on numerous experiences like these, I am glad I stayed away from it all. Some of my teenage friends went to jail, some became addicted to alcohol and cigarettes, and some to pornography. These people who chose these routes grew up in age, but their characters decayed and they were controlled by substances. As a feather is blown in the air according to the desire of the wind, is tossed to and fro, so these people I know, who lived without standards, yielded to the desires of their hearts. A life without standards is heading toward self deterioration, like a dog without any training. On the other hand, although my younger life was filled with loneliness and limited social interaction, I have come to understand that these experiences helped me to awaken to the fact that I was developing self-control, which is a journey to self-governing, to self-mastery. I was not just growing in age, but I had fortunately learned to mature by becoming confident, having decorum, self discipline, and self control over addictive substances. President Hinckley once said, “The only conquest that brings satisfaction is the conquest of self. It was said of old that he who governs himself is greater than he who takes a city.” (Teaching of Gordon B. Hinckley. p. 579.) Indeed, the price of self-government, of living the gospel instead of the world’s ways, is extremely expensive; it costs so much of your diligence, endurance, energy, and limits your socialization, but it’s worth it. In the long run, such efforts and accomplishments assist in handling harsh multitudes of trials and tribulations. In the movie Mulan, the Emperor uttered to the intruder, “The wind may beat and howl against the mountain but the mountain will never bow.” Likewise, when we encounter face to face fierce trials, tribulations, and enticements from peer pressure and the adversary, we must be firm and upright like a mountain.

Social

"Your circumstances may be uncongenial, but they shall not long remain so if you but perceive an Ideal and strive to reach it. You cannot travel within and stand still without."
-James Allen